The Tentacles of Pokemon

The new smart phone game Pokemon Go was released last week and instantly swept the nation with long tentacles linking together all Americans with internet or news access. Opinions about the game vary from it being a wonderful way for people to get outside and exercise to it being yet another way for people to become detached from humanity and tethered to technology.
Warnings from all over the nation have been issued from law enforcement agencies urging Pokemon players to be aware of their surroundings and the dangers that might be lurking near them as they search for the virtual Pokemon characters and gather for "battles" against other players in the virtual world gyms that physically meld with reality. Law officers are both wary of the game and appreciative because while one unit may be answering a call about a robbery taking place in an area criminals set to lure oblivious Pokemon players, another unit might be answering a call about a player finding the body of a missing person or in one happy case, finding a child who had been missing for over 2 years. In the woods, not too far from her house, Sally Sams stumbled upon a child covered in dirt and acting feral. She called the police and they quickly discovered the child had gone missing in 2014 after wandering away from her home and had survived by finding safety in a pack of opossums. In the 911 call Sally said she had found a child that was hissing at her and requested someone come out to deal with it because it was her right to walk in the woods without being afraid. She then went on to explain she couldn't stay on the line until officers arrived and she had to end the call so she could contact Pokemon support because the game showed she had found an Omastar but once captured it was only Pidgey. She had to report the glitch immediately because it was a true emergency. When contacted for an interview Sally’s father explained she wasn’t accepting any visitors because of her overwhelming depression. Her call to technical support did not result in her recapturing Omastar although they did offer some compensation. Ms. Sams wanted to go on record as saying only, "That girl threw a fit and hissed and it got her reunited with her family. I did the same and all it got me was a few free game coins and two more complimentary Pidgeys. I don't even need Pidgeys. How can life be so unfair? You can find my petition on Change.org."

Law Enforcement agencies aren’t the only ones posting notices. Employers are placing signs in break rooms all over the country reminding their employees that they are getting paid for actual work and not for tracking down elusive Pokemon. And in what some see as a indicator of how far our society has fallen, notices imploring people to have respect, reverence, and restraint from stalking Pokemon are being placed in places such as Arlington National Cemetery and the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum.

Pastors understand fully the frustration felt by those baffled by people's apparent inability to stop playing the game in inappropriate places. Bro. Edward Lansing of the First Southern Baptist Church said he has never seen anything like it. After seeing one of the deacon's sons play the game all through his sermon he spoke to the boy's father at the afternoon pot luck about it. "I was surprised that his daddy, a long time deacon, was already well aware of his son's behavior in church and shocked when the Deacon told me, 'My Billy can find Jesus anywhere, anytime he wants. He's only got a certain window to be able to catch that Jigglypuff hiding in the baptistry.' " Bro. Edward went on to share his leeriness about the upcoming Revival his church has planned. "I'm not sure if people will be coming to study the Gospel or stalk a Goldeen."

Not all preachers are wary of the latest fad. Apostle Frank of the Straight Out of the Bible Appalachian Missionary Church of God and Jesus is embracing Pokemon Go. "For some reason we've been having a hard time a getting young folk to want to be snake handlers here lately. This game is perfect for that. We tell 'em for youth group they are going out to play the Pokemon. We will even provide a phone for those who don't have one. Thank you Jesus for providing. We send 'em out in the woods and while they looking for Metapods and Squirtles and such we know God's a testing them with blind faith. There's snakes all out in them woods, you see? They be stepping right over a top of 'em and a' trusting God. They don't know they are trusting the Almighty- that's why we call it blind faith- but they are. And when they all make it back inside without any bites we break out the tambourines and dance just like David only with our clothes on. We don't want CPS coming out here again. We learned that lesson. We did lose that one kid nobody really liked when he got bit by a rattler. He was so happy to have caught a Snorelax and busy rubbing into everyone's face its rarity he didn't even notice the leg swelling. We tried pointing out to CPS that if we had been dancing just exactly like David we woulda caught that leg turning black in time to save him by laying on of hands, but government folk can be so fickle. I was able to turn it all into a sermon on pride at his funeral. When the Lord taketh he also giveth."

Along with people running into abundant wildlife while on the hunt for Pokemons one young woman has captured evidence some say of a mythological creature. Allegra Hanson snapped a shot of her Pokemon catch and within inches of the character is a large hairy foot. She had no idea it was even there because of her intense focus to find only Pokemon. "Like, all these people are yelling at me because I didn't even like see that foot or what it was attached to?" Allegra stated between sips of her coffee and frantic scratching of her poison ivy covered face. "And I'm like over here drinking my non fat, non sugar, vegan, cinnamon latte with extra gluten because I am totally rebelling against the shackles society has placed upon me? Saying like, 'Hello, People. Like, what the shizzle? I totally captured a Ditto, like a Ditto, hello? a Ditto? as far as I know the only Ditto captured, and you are all freaking over a hairy foot in the picture? As if. Like it's probably just some feminist or something? I mean, hello? I was totes out in the woods near what I think is a commune or something? My brother flipped the freak out and called his friend Samson who is like a crypto bot something or other? Now they are totally into finding it? Which it doesn't even bother to paint its toenails so like who cares right? I don't know? I still think it was just some feminist? Whatevs. The pink in this calamine lotion like totally brings out my eyes, right? I am totally blogging that it should become the latest make up trend?”

Samson Mayers, who majored in Cryptobiology, assured us that while he understands capturing a Ditto is indeed exciting it isn't nearly exciting as seeing that foot in the photo. He believes it belongs to a Big Foot. Since the cell phone ap captures all data he was able to research and see exactly where Allegra was when she snapped a photo of what he thinks is undeniable evidence. He has raised money for a finding expedition by selling hack codes into the Pokemon server of live data to someone who "crushes" on Allegra and will be leaving for a several days search as soon as he can find where his mom put his tracking equipment when he moved into his parents' garage apartment.

Like it or not, the game will be around for a very long time. The creators of Pokemon have already announced new features will be added and it will be released all over the world. When asked about some of the goals the company has for its game an anonymous source explained that one of the major goals, after making tons of money in Pokecoin sales to cover the injury lawsuits from people getting shot for trespassing or being run over by trains was to experiment with world peace. At first they will try making fight gym sites in areas such as Texas High Schools during the height of football season and only giving those coordinates out to opposing high school students. The hope is once the students see everyone is playing Pokemon they will take out the aggression in the virtual world and get along splendidly in the real world once they see everyone can get along. "If we can make those Texas football fanatics friendly toward each other and extinguish those deep seeded, rooted rivalries the possibilities are endless. We would then branch out to repair relations in far less complicated factions such as the Black Panthers vs the KKK or the Bloods vs. the Crypts."

So, Americans and eventually the rest of the world, have fun playing the game. And if you aren't playing the game have fun trying avoid accidents caused by those who are. If you live near any caves be extra mindful to stop for a moment to listen for cries of help of any players who ventured into the cave and lost all bars. Regardless of which side of the Pokemon fad you are on ringing true are the words hashtagged ad nauseam by every Pokemon player who logs into Facebook to share with the world their latest catch:

What a time to be alive.