Waco's Mecca

The Fort Worth Star Telegram ran an article requesting tips for people making the voyage to Waco to see the Magnolia Silos. I feel my expertise is valid since I have been in the Waco area for over 18 years; therefore, I have compiled a list for all out of towners who are answering the beckoning call of Waco's Mecca.

1.) Before coming please fully consider what feels like a compulsive need to purchase a selfie stick. Do you really need it? Did you know the purchase price of a selfie stick is roughly the same amount of money most people's insurance plans require for a co-pay when visiting a doctor, which is most likely what you will need to be doing after you step out into traffic while trying to get that group shot with the Silos in the background. *sidenote- a cart selling first aid supplies might be a gold making business prospect.

2.) Sometimes you will see arrows on streets with the words "One Way." That means you can only drive that particular direction being indicated. Well, actually you can drive the opposite direction but it's highly frowned upon. But don't worry. Heading down the wrong way with people blaring their horns at you in no way "marks" you as an outsider. People who reside in Waco have been traveling down the wrong way on those streets for years.

3.) Yes, sometimes a street does suddenly switch from two way traffic to one way. Don't know what else to tell you other than good luck with that.

4.) Yes, sometimes a street does abruptly change names. No worries. Eventually the street name you were previously on will pop back up- miles away in a completely different geographical area of town.

5.) The directional layout of Valley Mills, Waco Drive, Franklin Ave and New Road is confusing at first. I think once I've made it to the 20 year resident milestone I might have that finally accurately mapped out in my head.

6.) If you find yourself lost in the general area of downtown and see a converging SWAT team, don't ask them for directions. They are not conducting a drill.

7.) When you see the downtown bicycle lanes. . . yeah. I don't know. Just don't run over people on bicycles.

8.) The Suspension Bridge is a pedestrian bridge, the Washington bridge is NOT.

9.) The geese on the East side of the Suspension bridge are all hiss an no bite. Or at least I am pretty sure about that. I always run faster than the kids when being chased by them, so I can't be positive.

10.) Go and visit all the businesses downtown. They've just had their property taxes increased exponentially. They need your money. In fact, if you don't heed my advice about shying away from the purchase of a selfie stick, wait until you are downtown to buy one or two, or three. Otherwise, in a few years if you make the pilgrimage back to the Silos you might find several more empty buildings downtown and a bit more SWAT team activity.


Welcome to Waco. We are happy you are here. We will just be much happier if you will utilize the sidewalks and cross walks and stay out of people's clearly marked reserved parking spaces. Enjoy your stay.

The Tentacles of Pokemon

The new smart phone game Pokemon Go was released last week and instantly swept the nation with long tentacles linking together all Americans with internet or news access. Opinions about the game vary from it being a wonderful way for people to get outside and exercise to it being yet another way for people to become detached from humanity and tethered to technology.
Warnings from all over the nation have been issued from law enforcement agencies urging Pokemon players to be aware of their surroundings and the dangers that might be lurking near them as they search for the virtual Pokemon characters and gather for "battles" against other players in the virtual world gyms that physically meld with reality. Law officers are both wary of the game and appreciative because while one unit may be answering a call about a robbery taking place in an area criminals set to lure oblivious Pokemon players, another unit might be answering a call about a player finding the body of a missing person or in one happy case, finding a child who had been missing for over 2 years. In the woods, not too far from her house, Sally Sams stumbled upon a child covered in dirt and acting feral. She called the police and they quickly discovered the child had gone missing in 2014 after wandering away from her home and had survived by finding safety in a pack of opossums. In the 911 call Sally said she had found a child that was hissing at her and requested someone come out to deal with it because it was her right to walk in the woods without being afraid. She then went on to explain she couldn't stay on the line until officers arrived and she had to end the call so she could contact Pokemon support because the game showed she had found an Omastar but once captured it was only Pidgey. She had to report the glitch immediately because it was a true emergency. When contacted for an interview Sally’s father explained she wasn’t accepting any visitors because of her overwhelming depression. Her call to technical support did not result in her recapturing Omastar although they did offer some compensation. Ms. Sams wanted to go on record as saying only, "That girl threw a fit and hissed and it got her reunited with her family. I did the same and all it got me was a few free game coins and two more complimentary Pidgeys. I don't even need Pidgeys. How can life be so unfair? You can find my petition on Change.org."

Law Enforcement agencies aren’t the only ones posting notices. Employers are placing signs in break rooms all over the country reminding their employees that they are getting paid for actual work and not for tracking down elusive Pokemon. And in what some see as a indicator of how far our society has fallen, notices imploring people to have respect, reverence, and restraint from stalking Pokemon are being placed in places such as Arlington National Cemetery and the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum.

Pastors understand fully the frustration felt by those baffled by people's apparent inability to stop playing the game in inappropriate places. Bro. Edward Lansing of the First Southern Baptist Church said he has never seen anything like it. After seeing one of the deacon's sons play the game all through his sermon he spoke to the boy's father at the afternoon pot luck about it. "I was surprised that his daddy, a long time deacon, was already well aware of his son's behavior in church and shocked when the Deacon told me, 'My Billy can find Jesus anywhere, anytime he wants. He's only got a certain window to be able to catch that Jigglypuff hiding in the baptistry.' " Bro. Edward went on to share his leeriness about the upcoming Revival his church has planned. "I'm not sure if people will be coming to study the Gospel or stalk a Goldeen."

Not all preachers are wary of the latest fad. Apostle Frank of the Straight Out of the Bible Appalachian Missionary Church of God and Jesus is embracing Pokemon Go. "For some reason we've been having a hard time a getting young folk to want to be snake handlers here lately. This game is perfect for that. We tell 'em for youth group they are going out to play the Pokemon. We will even provide a phone for those who don't have one. Thank you Jesus for providing. We send 'em out in the woods and while they looking for Metapods and Squirtles and such we know God's a testing them with blind faith. There's snakes all out in them woods, you see? They be stepping right over a top of 'em and a' trusting God. They don't know they are trusting the Almighty- that's why we call it blind faith- but they are. And when they all make it back inside without any bites we break out the tambourines and dance just like David only with our clothes on. We don't want CPS coming out here again. We learned that lesson. We did lose that one kid nobody really liked when he got bit by a rattler. He was so happy to have caught a Snorelax and busy rubbing into everyone's face its rarity he didn't even notice the leg swelling. We tried pointing out to CPS that if we had been dancing just exactly like David we woulda caught that leg turning black in time to save him by laying on of hands, but government folk can be so fickle. I was able to turn it all into a sermon on pride at his funeral. When the Lord taketh he also giveth."

Along with people running into abundant wildlife while on the hunt for Pokemons one young woman has captured evidence some say of a mythological creature. Allegra Hanson snapped a shot of her Pokemon catch and within inches of the character is a large hairy foot. She had no idea it was even there because of her intense focus to find only Pokemon. "Like, all these people are yelling at me because I didn't even like see that foot or what it was attached to?" Allegra stated between sips of her coffee and frantic scratching of her poison ivy covered face. "And I'm like over here drinking my non fat, non sugar, vegan, cinnamon latte with extra gluten because I am totally rebelling against the shackles society has placed upon me? Saying like, 'Hello, People. Like, what the shizzle? I totally captured a Ditto, like a Ditto, hello? a Ditto? as far as I know the only Ditto captured, and you are all freaking over a hairy foot in the picture? As if. Like it's probably just some feminist or something? I mean, hello? I was totes out in the woods near what I think is a commune or something? My brother flipped the freak out and called his friend Samson who is like a crypto bot something or other? Now they are totally into finding it? Which it doesn't even bother to paint its toenails so like who cares right? I don't know? I still think it was just some feminist? Whatevs. The pink in this calamine lotion like totally brings out my eyes, right? I am totally blogging that it should become the latest make up trend?”

Samson Mayers, who majored in Cryptobiology, assured us that while he understands capturing a Ditto is indeed exciting it isn't nearly exciting as seeing that foot in the photo. He believes it belongs to a Big Foot. Since the cell phone ap captures all data he was able to research and see exactly where Allegra was when she snapped a photo of what he thinks is undeniable evidence. He has raised money for a finding expedition by selling hack codes into the Pokemon server of live data to someone who "crushes" on Allegra and will be leaving for a several days search as soon as he can find where his mom put his tracking equipment when he moved into his parents' garage apartment.

Like it or not, the game will be around for a very long time. The creators of Pokemon have already announced new features will be added and it will be released all over the world. When asked about some of the goals the company has for its game an anonymous source explained that one of the major goals, after making tons of money in Pokecoin sales to cover the injury lawsuits from people getting shot for trespassing or being run over by trains was to experiment with world peace. At first they will try making fight gym sites in areas such as Texas High Schools during the height of football season and only giving those coordinates out to opposing high school students. The hope is once the students see everyone is playing Pokemon they will take out the aggression in the virtual world and get along splendidly in the real world once they see everyone can get along. "If we can make those Texas football fanatics friendly toward each other and extinguish those deep seeded, rooted rivalries the possibilities are endless. We would then branch out to repair relations in far less complicated factions such as the Black Panthers vs the KKK or the Bloods vs. the Crypts."

So, Americans and eventually the rest of the world, have fun playing the game. And if you aren't playing the game have fun trying avoid accidents caused by those who are. If you live near any caves be extra mindful to stop for a moment to listen for cries of help of any players who ventured into the cave and lost all bars. Regardless of which side of the Pokemon fad you are on ringing true are the words hashtagged ad nauseam by every Pokemon player who logs into Facebook to share with the world their latest catch:

What a time to be alive.

Epiphany Through Song

Pandora picked Richie Valens singing La Bamba as the first song to start our day after waking Abigail up. I am sure everyone knows it is physically impossible to listen to that song without performing it. I was looking in the mirror while playing air rhythm sticks when suddenly I felt old and defeated by the world. Rhythm sticks? Why was I playing rhythm sticks? Was it because it was all that was left in my once vast imagination. Once upon a time I would have been a dancer during the song. Using my own form of swaying salsa mixed with made up tap and tumbling I would be all over the stage causing the audience to forget about Richie and be awe struck by my dance skills. Then I recalled somewhere down the line of life, probably due to being teased, I replaced the dancing with playing air guitar. I would start out calm and in control of my instrument blending into the corner of the stage and then end up knee walking with my guitar bending over backwards as I played it over my head. I guess someone telling me I looked silly led to the riddance of the air guitar and me singing instead. I would belt out the words as best I could making eye contact with the excited crowd below my stage over my microphone hairbrush. Then after a while I suppose a negative comment about being off key or not knowing the Spanish part caused me to lip sync. I am not sure when I stopped the lip syncing and reduced myself to the air rhythm sticks. Where was the passion in my pretend play? I was just making a motion, marching in place worried someone other than the kids would see. An adult would make fun of me so I was keeping it toned down. But I looked at Abigail swaying with the music moving her arms nowhere close to the beat and I saw Jedi marching around in a dance that was a cross between the Hokey Pokey and Electric Slide mixed with a Waltz.

Suddenly it hit me. I refused to be a boring mom who picked up air Rhythm Sticks when I had a vast array of other choices I could use. I brought out the guitar and played while moving in circles and flipping my hair back and forth. It made me a little dizzy so until that feeling passed I began to sing, but my throat was dry from not having any coffee yet. So I transitioned to lip syncing WITH my signature dance moves. Jedi landed on the bean bag chair when I crashed into him so I kept adding my tap moves. Then I remembered that I was never the type of person to care what others thought. I had stopped dancing because it hurt. And because it was hard to suck in air and lip sync at the same time. And because when my dance move involved getting on the floor it was nearly impossible to get back up.

I took one last look into the room as I walked away. Richie was still singing and the kids were still dancing, oblivious that Mom had walked off the stage. I headed for the medicine cabinet to find the Ibuprofen vowing I would exercise more and eat less starting now. Well,. . . starting after my stash of Cadbury eggs hidden in the medicine cabinet is depleted.

The Climb

Today should have been Whataburger Wednesday, but against my better judgement I relented to Jedi's request to go to "Ol' McDonald's." It almost killed me.

Since it looked cleaner outside than inside we took his food to the empty playground. He ate and then told me he loved me. Then he asked to climb up the playground gym. I reminded him that the last time he tried he was scared and his cousin had to go after him. We had no cousins with us. He promised he could go to the top and slide down all by himself. He had changed since that last time. He had the hiccups earlier and I told him myself it was because he was having a growth spurt so he knew he was bigger and he could do it. Again, I relented. I watched in amazement as he easily scrambled up like a billy goat and was confused for a few minutes because his laughs so quickly changed to cries when he reached the top.

I had to rescue him. It had to be at least 20 feet up. It was high enough for me to remember I hate heights, so maybe it was 100 feet. I was going to have to do 150 feet of climbing up those stupid platforms with my purse tied around me like a fanny pack. I am sure it was my 2" thick purse that was causing me to yank my wedged backside out of each platform space to move on to the next. Then at the top of 200 feet I had to ignore all the Grackle poop that Jedi had clearly already belly crawled through in his terrified state of being stuck so high up. After pleading with him to go down the slide because sliding down the corkscrew tunnel 250 feet up in the air was way easier than climbing down the platforms that clearly weren't made for ladies carrying purses, it was his turn to relent. So after I pried his sweet little hands that had turned into a suffocating vise off of my neck and I could breathe again I sat him on my lap and moved his statue like body around telling him it would be less scary if he could see where he was going. (It would be less scary if he didn't see me make the sign of the cross and beg God not to let me get stuck going down not to let my purse get us stuck going down.) Then after a deep breath and rearranging my purse strap over my shoulder which reminded me to grab my phone just in case I had to call 911 because God didn't listen to my prayer I lifted my feet and remembered I am afraid of enclosed spaces way more than I am heights.

It was too late to go back so I pushed off. Jedi reached back behind him and with those pudgy little cherub vise grips grabbed the first part of my body he could which was my neck again. I've gone down corkscrew slides before and moved slowly. So slowly I wanted to scream because I thought I would be stuck. I heard myself screaming. This time because of the complete opposite of moving slowly and the static electricity shocks, and because I saw Jedi hit his head again and again with each turn, and because I couldn't breathe. It wasn't Jedi's vise grip. His hands were now squeaking down the sides as he tried to stop us. Oh God, I couldn't breathe. Was this a punishment for making the sign of the cross when I'm not Catholic? I'm sorry Jesus. So sorry. The dark enclosure was too much and I knew we had at least 300 more feet to go because we weren't even half way through. I was going to die. Still screaming, but noticing Jedi had stopped I opened my eyes to check on my baby boy. There was sunlight. There was no more motion. We were at the bottom and had lost all momentum. I still couldn't breathe because my purse strap was now around my neck pulling. Gravity is a mysterious thing.

With all the dignity I could muster I helped Jedi down to the ground shocking him at least two more times. Then I stood up and could feel the static cling all over my body. I adjusted my purse while feeling my hair standing on end like I was a cartoon character who had just stuck a fork into a wall outlet. I was alive. Feeling grateful for another day of beauty surrounding me I brushed the bird poop off both our bottoms and told Jedi to get his boots so we could leave.

After he stomped on his boots I heard his sweet little , "Mommy?" I looked at my baby boy expecting to see my awesomeness in his eyes. I was going to tell him he didn't have to thank me. That's just what Mommies do.

He told me the next time I climb up there he wasn't going to help me get down again.

He told me I was holding his hand too hard as we marched out.

I asked him if it felt like a vise.