Chronicles of a runner, well, jogger/walker. Shuffler.

It's that time of year again. The gathering and eating of my favorite seasonal candy snack of Cadbury eggs always coincides with the weather turning lovely, the birds singing, green replacing the brown of winter and people talking about beginning their training for marathons and triathlons and I say, "You people are crazy." . And then someone always mentions a 5K event for a fundraiser so I say, "I can do that!" In years past the "I can do that!" was usually followed by me swallowing my Cadbury egg and wiping the chocolate off my hands and mouth onto my exercise capris as I pulled them out of the forgotten spot in the bottom of the drawer. This year I hit the eggs early and have no desire for more due to me getting a little carried away with them on my birthday so there was no Cadbury chocolate to wash down with a glass of water before I headed out the door.

Today I searched through all the apps on my phone and found the C25K app I loaded two summers ago. By the time I found it buried among other forgotten apps I was dreading going and already thinking of how busy the day was going to be without enough time to exercise, but I quickly perked up when I saw there was an update to the app that added GPS so it would tell me how far I was going, my pace, and made it much easier for me to load up the songs I wanted from my Ipod onto the program. For only .99cents I was going to be equipped with my own personal trainer, maybe a triathlon wasn't so very far out of my reach. I was very excited and bounded towards the backdoor before I found my handy arm strap that I use for keeping my phone on my arm. No matter, I would carry it in my hand. It was only the first day of training and would be easy to carry it with me. I let the dogs out into the backyard happily and told them that they would have to stay and I would take them walking when I was done.

After a few stretches on my front sidewalk just so all the neighbors would know that I was about to exercise I began the app. And this is what followed on my first jog/walk of the season.

My music selection began and since I didn't have ear buds or my handy arm strap holder it was a little hard to hear, but I had the birds to listen to. It already sounded as though they were cheering me on. The bell on the app sounded and a friendly little voice said, "Warm Up." I couldn't hear it very well, but joy of joys the phone vibrated when it sounded so I would know to change pace even if I couldn't hear it. I started going around our block and had my route mapped in my head. It was a perfect combination of fairly sharp hills and easy hills. This was going to be great. A car was needing to turn where the two streets intersect and the driver waved me on. She had the right of way so I smiled and kept my feet moving so she would know this was no leisurely walk and motioned for her to go while I waited. We waved to each other as she passed.

My five minute warm up walk seemed to be taking a while. Not finding my arm strap was good because I could easily look at my phone to find out how much longer each part of the workout had left. My warm up walk still had 3 minutes to go. I thought it odd that time seemed to be moving so slowly and I was already a little winded. I slowed down the pace a bit and carried on. Surely I missed the bell sound so I looked at the phone again. 3 seconds left on the warm up. The bell sounded and the vibration shook my hand and the friendly voice said, "RUN." So I began jogging and saw that the countdown was for 60 seconds. That's all? No need to jog. I can run this.

The chipper voice said, "WALK" about the time I was at the house behind ours. I can see through their backyard into ours and saw all three of my dogs sitting at the back fence line. I glanced down at the timer and still had a full minute of walk time and smiled at the ease. I glanced back at the dogs who had noticed me and began whining in protest that they weren't with me. Barney the beagle began his baying howl. And I cheerfully told him to wait. I'd take him when I was done with my time. I now recognize the look he gave me as one of doubt.

Long before a full minute could possibly be up I felt the shaking of my phone and heard "RUN" in the amicable but stern tone. So I jogged. Again it was just for 60 seconds. I could do it. It was probably already halfway over so I quickly glanced again. 50 seconds left? My mapped out route quickly changed to just running around the block in the same direction downhill except for one tiny little stretch of a gradual climb. 45 seconds left?! O crap.

Sweet relief! The mocking voice said "WALK" again. One minute and 20 seconds of walk time. I could recover. Oh for the love of humanity that had better be a text message vibration and not the. . . I flippin' hate you stupid voice that screams "RUN!"

I jogged until the contemptuous voice said "WALK" in a tone that added "because I know you are about to fall over anyway you, loser!" The singing birds were mocking me. A dove dropped a twig it was carrying in an attempt to trip me and if I had been going at any faster of a pace it would have worked. I walked and was back to the house where I can see my dogs. They were watching intently. I wondered if I collapsed right there if they would love me enough to bound over the fence to come to my rescue.

"RUN." I hate you. Maybe if I pretend like the voice was a Zombie chasing me I could go. It worked. I shuffled a jog for a full 50 seconds, but I lost all sense of my surroundings imagining being chased. I looked to my left and about jumped out of my skin and did a little girly half scream thinking that someone was standing there staring at me waiting to scare me. It was a yard statue of either a haloed Jesus or Mary reaching out in an embrace. I was too weary to distinguish which one it was even when I was so close I could have touched it. I stopped running a couple of seconds before the patronizing voice demanded that I "WALK." I know when they recorded it they added a subliminal evil laughter at that point.

The GPS must be broken. I hadn't gone much over a mile and I was supposed to go 5K before it was over. I should have brought my pedometer. When I take that off my pants waist and give it a few shakes the mileage adjusts to where I know it's closer to what I've really done. When I shake my phone nothing happens. Maybe if I stop and give it a few good shakes the mileage will go up. "RUN." I curse you zombie voice.

I started jogging again only after giving the phone a rough shake for a few seconds. Imagining a zombie chasing me only made me want to turn around and walk into it with my arms outstretched like the scary holy statue. A zombie hug would be welcomed if it meant no more running.

I reached the point again where I can see my yard where the dogs were now running frantically back and forth down the fence line. I hollered for them to keep doing that because that was all the exercise they are going to be getting today. Then I regretted wasting my last bit of oxygen by talking.

At a point when I was going up the one steep incline that reminded me of Mt. Everest the phone made a different almost happy sound. And I used my remaining reserve of energy to do a few gallops thinking surely I was done. I made it! The mocking, angry voice said, "You are halfway done." Oh I loathe you and if I could make the muscles in my hand open I would chuck the phone that you have contaminated with your vile, vile voice. "RUN!" Another car was needing to turn and it slowed down enough for me to barely lift my arm in a wait gesture and I crossed in front of it. Run me over. I dare you. NO I beg you.

I rounded the next corner and saw a girl on a bicycle coming my way. Somehow over the pounding in my ears and the wheezing for breath I heard her say, "Keep it up! You are doing great!" If she had been wearing a helmet I would have shoved her off the bike. But I was still in enough control that I was concerned about her hitting her head on the pavement plus I now didn't have enough energy to give her a smile or even a far less friendly gesture so I wouldn't have been able to shove her hard enough.

At some point the voice said appropriately over the song "Wipeout" that I was ready for a cool down. I checked the phone and it was still marking my pace and mileage so I didn't think it meant the kind of cool down where I went and fell face down on a neighbor's sprinkler so I moved on. Barely.

I made it. Barely. Just as the voice said I was done the song "Crazy Train" began playing. How even more appropriate. And what makes it even more crazy is that I'm ready to do it all again tomorrow(after I take the dogs for a walk first.)